Boehner’s Trophy

This article is inspired by David Firestone’s article in the New York Times entitled “Boehner’s Last Stand.” Firestone’s lead is the key:

“The nature of Speaker John Boehner’s final battle with the White House on the budget crisis is now clear: It doesn’t matter what House Republicans win in exchange for raising the debt ceiling and re-opening government, as long as they win something.”

I write to propose an award a grateful nation should immediately bestow on Boehner in a national ceremony broadcast live on every media outlet from the White House’s Rose Garden – The Winner’s Trophy. It should be in the form of a Boehner-sized weeping angel bearing the following inscription:

“You are the courageous leader who brought us out of this crisis. You are the leader devoid of partisanship who saved the nation from socialism and insolvency. You are the leader who put the interest of our nation ahead of self-interest and made America a role model for the world. We should apologize for any criticisms we ever made of you.

You are The Winner.”

I do not think it would dilute the honor unduly if we were to create replica trophies for Senator Ted Cruz and Representative Paul Ryan with the same inscription. They surely deserve to have their contribution to our Nation’s international reputation recognized in tangible form. Ryan’s trophy can be graced by an illusionist sawing a budget in half. Given Cruz’ name, only a cross is fitting to grace his trophy. It can represent the time our economy and people have spent on the cross suffering.

Some readers may find the inscription inappropriate, but all will be made clear when Billy Crystal reads the inscription at the award ceremony.

“You are the courageous leader who brought us out of this crisis? You are the leader devoid of partisanship who saved the nation from socialism and insolvency? You are the leader who put the interest of our nation ahead of self-interest and made America a role model for the world? We should apologize for any criticisms we ever made of you?

You are The Winner?”

And yes, this is a steal from Leo Rosten’s The Joys of Yiddish, where a worker explains to Comrade Stalin how to read a cablegram from Comrade Trotsky correctly.